Not as annoying as Crazy Frog

Two of the most annoying commercials get an overhaul and become better as a result.

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The final countdown

A sad bit of news for those of us whose student lives were spent watching the showPresenter Richard Whiteley dies. Richard had an atrocious knack for puns and wordplay, hopefully mine isn't in too bad taste.

When work is getting to you

Whack your boss like the Sopranos.

Is it the heat or my weight?

Was walking home tonight and found myself sinking into the pavement.
I'm hoping it is the heat or else I'm off to weight watchers...

How good is Reading?

It's crap!

I've just spent the last 3 days there on an Oracle Course learning how to improve database querying, which given the fact I've been trying to get on this course for 2 years turned out to be pretty good; but the city itself, is awful.

The hotel was a travellodge, a chain that is usually OK but not here. It was in the grimiest part of town surrounded by main roads and motorways. We were recommended by the staff not to park our car outside as it would get broken into and so had to find somewhere safer to park it.

There was no air con in the rooms and the windows barely opened, and given the heat wave it proved very difficult to sleep and when you did finally drop off you'd be awoken by a random crime event outside. On Sunday night it was someone running from an attempted stabbing, on Monday it was some middle eastern guys fighting and last night it was a car crash, or at least it's what it sounded like. The rooms only had 4 channels, not even channel 5. The chain usually has Sky as standard.

The main hub of nightlife seems to be a little development called The Oracle comprising of a shopping centre, a cinema and plenty of bars and restaurants around a river that we thought was man-made but actually isn't. The average price for drinks there was £3 each, daylight robbery in London, even worse there.

One of the nights got quite messy as we drank loads ending up in a really cool bar called "Purple Turtle", it was a goth, indy crowd but the drinks were half the price of those by the river and the vibe was nicer. It's the only place I can really recommend going to should you ever find yourself there.

Why are old people so nuts?

Today in Croydon I was just walking along minding my own business when this old man who was walking towards me swung his umbrella at me. He didn't hit me but it was close enough to get my attention. Given that today was the hottest day of the year, I don't know why he needed to carry one. As he passed by I turned round to warn him to be careful but before I could say anything he was doing the exact same thing to a guy on a bike.

Nutter, should be in a home!

Batman Begins

This is really really really good. It's much darker and less hammy than the previous movies and it restores the character back to greatness after Clooney killed it (or was it Kilmer). Christian Bale is surprisingly good as the lead. The only bad things with the film is that the fighting is shot too close to be able to follow and the baddies aren't as solidly defined as, say Nicholson's Joker and let's face it, how could that be bettered? Katie Holmes plays a really good Mary Jane which given that this is Batman, not Spiderman is a bit of a shame. Her role is very similar to Kirtsen Dunst.

I really liked what Christopher Nolan did with Memento and he's done a good job directing this.

There was also a killer bit of bass when the batmobile started up that vibrated the seat :D Oh, and watch for the continuity mistakes when he's driving that. One shot he's sat up, then he's lying down, then he's back.

The Pacifier

Did you really think I'd see this piece of shit? How did Vin Diesel expect to be taken seriously following this movie? In the UK a pacifier is called a dummy which is also the word given to someone who's a bit thick. Enough said.

What has happened to Pearl and Dean

Those of you who regularly go to the cinema will know who Pearl and Dean are. They're the company responsible for the adverts before the film starts with that Led Zeppelin type jingle. When I was seeing Batman Begins today the music had changed and a guy then dances in front of the logo whilst crossing from one side of the cinema to the other. I then cuts to an advert for Smirnoff where we see him close up. This guy is Salah who I've seen at the B-Boy championships on a couple of occasions; he is an amazing dancer and it's great to see him get acknowledged like this. If you want to know more about the promotion you can click here

A heavy session

Last night I was at a quiz night for work. Historically my team has done pretty well but more worringly I always seem to get very drunk at them. This time I promised myself I'd have no more than 1 bottle of wine.

After the 3rd round of 10 the first bottle was completed and a second bottle had been bought.

By the end of round 10 I think 4 bottles had been gone through (not all mine I might add) and there was still money in the kitty for more.

At closing time I can't recollect how much I'd drunk but somehow managed to get myself to the train station.

When I woke up I was outside the final underground station, a bit worringly given that I'd intended to catch a train, but at least I'd gone in the right direction. I managed to get some cash for a taxi to take me home the remainder of the way.

When I woke up (properly this time) the flat was smelling of kebab that I don't recall buying and which clearly I hadn't eaten.

I would have liked a lie-in to recover but I had to be at work early. Needless to say I was very delicate at work and just kept my head down. Fortunately my team mates were in a similar state.

My workmates were also surprised that I'd shaved, apparently we'd made a bet to all grow goatees. The things that drunk people do, and being a man of my word I now have to see it through.

Oh, and by the way, our team came 2nd.

Late home and a confrontation

I left work in good time today but when I got to the station I found that my train had been delayed and the next one was going to skip my stop which isn't great when it means I'm having to wait around for an hour. When one did come in it was an additional 40 minutes late so I was quite stressed at having to wait so long in what is a busy station.

I thought I'd go and see if there was a magazine I could read to pass the time and went into the shop and straight over to the computer magazines, however on the way was this guy moving extremely slowly.

Now for people who are use to the hectic pace that London runs at, and who know where they're going, there is nothing worse than having people in the way who seem to lack the ability to know where they're going and how to get there; they just seem to float. These include tourists standing on the left of the escalator, people who don't let you off trains and people who stop once they've got off the escalator.

So I wanted to get past this guy and he didn't seem to want me to do so, which left me with the only option but to try to walk through him. He was clearly not happy with me doing so, and for someone who was moving at funeral pace, he suddenly burst into life and shoved me out of the way, straight into some woman nearby.

I found the situation quite funny and whilst the woman had a go at me for pushing into her, she didn't take my explanation that I was pushed by someone else very well. The guy was now shouting "Why were you in my way?", to which I replied "It wasn't my intention". I think this confused him enough for me to move on to where I was going.

In a working day that is typically routine and boring, little things like this, no matter how stressful at the time are a nice distraction. Fortunately he wasn't too psycho although he did act it.

Thorpe Park and Chessington

Another club trip this weekend to two local parks.

Pictures are on the "My Pictures" link on the left or you can click
here

Mr & Mrs Smith

Well after my previous post commenting on the poster censoring, I got the opportunity to see the film, and I was surprised.
Like Ocean's 11 & 12 I thought the film would rely on the looks of the leads, this time Brad "looks like a monkey" Pitt and officially the most beautiful woman in the world, Angelina Jolie, but the story was funny and the action sequences very good.

Angelina looked hot as ever although bondage gear really doesn't suit her, she looked ridiculous.

Oh, and the plot? they're husband and wife, going through a dull patch when they discover that they're both top assassins sent to kill each other. Their domestics involve shotguns and SMGs, nicely over the top. Perhaps the best scene is when they're starting to reveal their secrets whilst being pursued in a very crazy car chase.

Definitely worth seeing.

Family Fortunes

We have a dumb quiz show in the UK called Family Fortunes, in the US I think it's Family Feud. Here's some stupid responses to questions that have been given by the rather thick contestants.


Name an item of clothing people wear two of at the same time
A bra

Name a type of big cat
Persian

Name something with a hole in it
A window

Name something you might take from a hotel as a souvenir
The lamps

Name something you eat with fish
A plate

Name an animal that lives wild in Britain
A lion

Not including cutlery, name a type of fork
Banana

Name something a blind person might use
A sword

Name a song with moon in the title
Blue Suede Moon

Name a bird with a long neck
Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch
A burglar

Name a famous brother and sister
Bonnie and Clyde

Name a dangerous race
The Arabs

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse

Name something that floats in the bath
Water

Name something you wear on the beach
A deckchair

Name something red
A cardigan

Name a famous cowboy
Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal
Mail

Name a number you have to memorise
7

Name something you do before going to bed
Sleep

Name something you put on walls
Roofs

Name something in the garden that's green
A shed

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings

Name something you might be allergic to
Skiing

Name a famous bridge
Bridge over troubled water

Name something a cat does
Goes to the toilet

Name something you do in the bathroom
Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A dog

Name something associated with the police
Pigs

Name a sign of the zodiac
April

Name something slippery
A conman

Name a kind of ache
Fillet o' Fish

Name a food that can be brown or white
Potato

Name a jacket potato topping
Jam

Name a famous Scotsman
Jock

Name another famous Scotsman
Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it
A window

Name a non-living object with legs
A plant

Name a domestic animal
Leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
Knee

Name a way of cooking fish
Cod

Name something you open other than a door
Your bowels

Name a famous soap opera
Romeo and Juliet

Name one of Harry Enfield's characters
Sooty

Name something with a red light
A Dalek

Name a bird that can also be a man's name
Chicken

Name one of the Spice Girls
The one with the long hair

Jimmy Carr Gags

Got sent these at work today and they made me laugh so I thought I'd share them.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child .... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

RIP Boots

Today I had to say goodbye to my boots that have been part of me since Christmas, not that long really. At the end of last week I managed to trip walking up the stairs into work and as I was putting my headphones away I couldn't break my fall and promptly executed a perfect faceplant; Bam Margera would be proud. In hindsight I should have checked to se if it had been caught on security tape, I could have made money out of it.

Getting back to the story, it turns out that the boot had split across the sole, whether it was the cause of the fall or the result of it I don't know but after that incident their days were numbered but rather than getting new boots I left it.

Today on the way home I caught a kerb and totally ripped into the front of the boot seperating the sole from the rest of the boot, so I had to make the journey home with the front of the boot flopping about like a leather crocodile. It was a bit embarrassing to see homeless people with better footwear than me on the way home, at least they weren't going to mug me for my footwear.

I also left work late and all the decent shops were closed. I ended up having to go to a supermarket and buy a pair from there, not ideal but they'll do until a new pair are bought. That will teach me for not me a little more pro-active.

GTA Lego City

Someone has too much time on their hands. Click here

Mr & Mrs Smith and a possible coverup.

Mr and Mrs Smith is out this Friday and I will definitely be going to see it. Whilst at the cinema on Saturday I noticed that something was up with the posters. Looks like photoshop has been used to remove the guns. I'm guessing it's bad to promote the killing aspect too much. Another example of political correctness gone too far perhaps. Here is the evidence.





This is the poster with Angelina and Brad sans firearms.


This is Brad without his gun, if it has been photoshopped they've done a good job.


This is Angelina without hers, the easiest cover up of the two.

Of course I'm assuming that the top picture is the original. It could be that the guns were added later, but then the picture wouldn't have fitted the film as it is about hitmen (or should that be hitperson given that one of them is a woman, looks like PC has got me too).

You wouldn't want to play poker with her

I'm hoping there's no medical reason for this happening

Poker Face

Unholy matrimony

When I was at university I wrote a paper on morphing techniques in the movie industry. This website uses the most basic form of that technology to put two celebrities together to see what their kids might look like. It's quite a fun quiz, try it!

Unholy matrimony

Rubber Johnny

3 weeks til we see the latest fucked-up video from Chris Cunningham. If you've ever seen Aphex Twin's "Windowlicker" or "Come to Daddy" you know what this guy is capable of. Click here to see the trailer site.

Crazy HL2 Render

Some guy with a lot of time on his hands has managed to mix 3D models from Half Life 2 with real pictures. The results look amazing and now I have a new wallpaper on my PC.

League of Gentlemen Apocalypse

Hmmm, what a weird film this was. Having never really understood the show I was completely out of my element. So why see it? Friends at work, who love the show, recommended it and so whilst I didn't really understand what was going on, I persevered with it and whilst not great it wasn't completely bad.

The story is that the residents of Royston Vasey, where the TV show is set, find their village being destroyed because the show writers aren't producing any more material. So they find a way into the real world to confront the writers who are busy writing new material for a new series called Evil King. So they also write themselves into that story to bring it to an end. All very weird indeed.

I knew the show was surreal but where did they come up with the idea of extracting a semen sample from a giraffe using an electric anal probe and having it ejaculate over a crowd of old women. Very weird indeed. The film also has some peculiar cameos e.g. Simon Pegg's arse as a message holder.

There were people in the cinema laughing extremely hard, I wasn't one of them. Perhaps I should borrow the series boxsets off workmates to see if it is good or not.

Sin City

Wow, how good is this film.

Trying to get the look and feel of a comic book has been attempted over the years and the best had been Dick Tracy but now this film just pisses all over that. Using blue screen filming and a lot of digital effects, Robert Rodriguez has finally managed to get the comic look on the big screen. Some effects particular the weather effects are stunning and really add to the effect.

The film contains 4 stories from the Sin City books, 3 major ones and a minor story to open and close the film. Bruce Willis does well as Hartigan, an old cop in love with a young woman he rescued from a sex attack when she was younger. Clive Owen also plays a decent part as a guy who inadverantly kills a cop. But it's Mickey Rourke who steals the show as Marv, a thug looking for the killer of a woman he fell for. Like Travolta in Pulp Fiction, this film should relaunch his career. Elijah Wood also has a great part as a weird serial killer with a knack for ninja like stealthy martial arts. Devon Aoki is also great as Miho, an Oriental assassin. Jessica Alba looks great as Nancy too :D

The film is really violent but over the top in a comic book style. Lots of hacked limbs, particularly from Devon, and sprayings of blood (white not red to fit the look of the film); Elijah's character also comes to a rather untimely end. Not one to take your girlfriend to unless that's her thing :D

Best film of the year so far, until I get to see Hong Kong Hustle, which is out at the end of the month haha!