Keith Lard

Tonight Channel 4 showed a repeat of the "Eyes Down" episode of "That Peter Kay Thing". This show was quite funny but the funniest bit had to be the Keith Lard character, an over-zealous fire inspection officer who is rumoured to have sexual relationships with dogs.

This is quite funny in itself, but what is even funnier is that in the area where the show is set there is a real Fire Inspector called Keith Laird who took offence to the show and quite obviously filed a complaint with the TV ombudsman.

Although we never found out if the real guy "bummed dogs", Channel 4 did agree to pay out and he got a nice £10,000 for his troubles.

On tonight's show they still made reference to the complaint even though the show was originally shown years ago.

BBC News | ENTERTAINMENT | Fire officer fumes over comedy

Big Brother 6 is over

Well I did post my thoughts when the show started; it's only right I post something thought provoking and as deep as the show's content now that it has finished.

Anthony won. Whoop-de-doop.


Roll on the next episode of Lost.

Crash

The final film in my "Malcolm has nothing better to do with his holidays but watch movies"-alooza left me with a choice of Crash or the new Herbie film. Given the choice of Lindy Lohan and a white volkswagen or an ensemble cast in a moving drama about race I went for what seemed to be the most grown up of the two. Sorry Lindy!

This film brings together the following stars
Miss Congeniality
George of the Jungle
the black cockney guy from Oceans 11 (without his terrible Barney Rubble accent)
Rumblefish (who coincidentally also stars in the Herbie film), some hispanic actress
Some hispanic woman but not Eva Mendes
Ludacris
Buffy's brother in Cruel Intentions
The love interest in MI2
and a bunch of other people who I can't remember from other films.

The film is a very clever look at racism in all aspects of society and has the obvious white-on-black and black-on-white but also goes beyond this looking at black-on-black, black-on-hispanic, black-on-arab, arab-on-hispanic etc etc. All the characters are either on the giving or receiving end and all are brought together with a car crash.

The film deserves to get some oscar nominations but it won't be for best actor or actress, screenplay perhaps. The problem with ensemble casts is that no one person stands out enough to carry the film. I can't really pick one person who stood out for their performance.

However I was moved by a couple of scenes, there is some very powerful film-making going on in this film and you will find yourself sympathising with just about everyone.

The most serious film I saw this week and easily the best one.

I saw a BB person today

I was walking down Sutton High Street and started getting paranoid when I saw the chav populace pointing in my direction. It turns out they had spotted Sam from Big Brother who was walking right in front of me. I didn't realise at first because she's shorter than I thought she'd be and she was also dressed in some awful pink outfit that looked like it should have been on a 14 year old.

She was clearly enjoying the popularity that comes with being voted out of Big Brother in the first few weeks. I also realised that her "friends" walking either side of her were probably security making sure she was clear of riff raff interaction until the final show tomorrow night. She will no doubt be appearing if only to milk a little bit more of the public's adulation until her next naked photo shoot is organised.

I then went for a shit, in a nearby shopping centre; I'll leave you to decide which of those two events was the most interesting.

The Island

The big Michael Bay summer blockbuster (although no Jerry Bruckheimer this time) follows the exact same direction style as Bad Boys 2, Armageddon, The Rock and all those other leave-the-brain-at-home movies he churns out. If you like the camera to slowly pan around the hero at waist-height in slow-motion capturing a little bit of lens flare then you're not going to be disappointed; there is plenty of it in this.

Ewan McGregor plays Bravo-Two-Zero or something equally banal, a person living in a wonderful enclosure where they wear white puma clothing, play xbox and interact with other branded products. He falls for Breaker-20-20 played by big lipped Scarlet Johannson but they can't get close because the rules of the enclosure say so. Everyone there dreams of winning a trip to The Island, a dream destination that is offered as a prize in a lottery where you don't even have to by a ticket. The compound is run by Sean Bean, the only guy in Hollywood with the ability to change one letter in his first name to get his surname. Hopefully his sister Jean and brother Dean don't aspire to join the acting profession as that would spoil this.

It turns out that they're not real people but clones that have been paid for by their sponsor and the trip to the island actually means their body parts are needed in the real world. I can spoil this for you now because some stupid executive decided to do the same thing in the movie trailer. If this film had a twist it doesn't now.

The two eventually escape into the real world and are chased by that black guy from Gladiator, and this is when the film picks up.

We have the obligatory car chase along the freeway. This time Bay tops the Bad Boys 2 chase by replacing the shedded cars with train axles. When the first vehicle goes up you can quite clearly see the metal log used to launch the vehicle up into the air. I guess they thought we'd think it was still an axle even though it was shaped different to all the others. A couple of speeder bikes are added to the mix (this is set in the future) but they reminded me too much of the bikes in Return of the Jedi, even down to the sound they made.

The chases on foot seem to be shot through lots of areas where spark-welding is taking place, purely for aesthetic effect I guess but stupid all the same. I did however feel sorry for the stunt man who agreed to slide on ball-bearings into a metal pipe, that looked like it hurt.

The obligatory falling from a height scene sees them hanging from a giant letter R that is blasted from the top of a skyscraper. It seems odd that a company would go to the trouble of having the letter R as a logo, I wonder if they were allowed to copyright it, and it was convenient the letter had a hole they could stand in. If they'd been stuck on the I corporation's skyscraper they'd have been stuffed.

The ending sees Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard going back into the compound to rescue all the other clones. Along the way he gets into a fight with Mr Bean but we know he can fight even though he looks weedy due to the xbox scene earlier in the film (do you see how this works now?)

When the woman gets to do some solo stuff she has to be backed up by the Gladiator guy who changes sides just when she had scenes where she wasn't just following Ewan around. Girl Power! At least in Stealth the woman got some of the action to participate in on her own.

If you've seen the trailer you'll have seen the clip of all the clones leaving the compound into a desert. Yep, they even revealed the final scene of the film too. Dumbasses.

This suffers from the same problem as Stealth in that it doesn't really have any big names carrying the film. Ewan does OK but he's probably been picked because he can work with bad scripts and even worse directors although I can't say how much blue screen he had to work with but it wouldn't be as bad as Star Wars. Maybe some exec picked him because he's the only good actor with a Scottish accent and the audience might confuse him with Sean Canary (I mean Connery). In all honesty I think it's because Nicholas Cage, Bruce Willis and Will Smith were busy elsewhere. Johannson was great in Lost in Translation but she's not ideal for action movies, she's just too demure and pretty. I reckon the reason they picked her was solely for the weak Calvin Klein commerical gag they included in the film. At the end of the day all they needed was a woman who could run behind the male lead. There's even one continuity mistake where Ewan sends her ahead then in the next cut he's back in front.

In summary; tosh but big budget tosh that kills a couple of hours.

Lost

Woohoo, a reason to watch TV properly again.

Over the last few months my TV has been neglected as there hasn't really been anything worth watching. The last thing was "Hustle" which I've posted about before.
In the last few weeks Channel 4 have been trailering this show Lost that was shown in the US last year and which is being downloaded by mates off the internet.

Tonight we got to see the first 3 episodes and the show looks like it is going to be a corker. Great characters, a really fucked up story, and some great effects really do come together to make a show that will mean my Wednesday evenings are now booked up.

Roll on next week!

My early observations.

We don't see any attempt to land the plane and it does break up at altitude. Therefore there is next to no chance of anyone surviving but somehow at least 48 manage it. I'm going to deduce that they're all dead already and lingering in some sort of purgatory.

Polar Bears don't exist in tropical climes but they do exist in the comic that the kid finds. We know its not his because its in Spanish, could they be some sort of manifestation caused by him?

Stealth

Day 3 of the Malcolm-has-a-week-off-and-is-spending-it-at-the-cinema-athon.
Today's film was great if you've always wanted to see a film that was a mix of Top Gun, Short Circuit, 2001, Firefox, Behind Enemy Lines, Charmed and Iron Eagle whatever number it went up to.

3 ace pilots; one white male, one white female and one black male (so that's the politically correct executive happy) are partnered up, not with a gay welsh atheist, but with a super intelligent computerised pilot which develops a mind of it's own when zapped by lightning (why wasn't this picked up in testing?). Rocking the status quo and the power-of-three mentality the pilots get a little bent out of shape, the black guy literally when he flies (nicely in slow motion I might add) into a cliff. Anyway, the computer robot decides to ignore everything he's told and seeks to blow up Russia on his own (because he's good at that).

So the film goes off all "kill the robot at all costs" and then guess what, the robot becomes friendly and how convenient that they built the thing to carry a human passenger. Without that plot device the white male would have been stuck in Alaska; which they flew to in a matter of minutes from the Indian Ocean with just the single fuel stop at a zeppelin that was able to maintain a perfect circular flying formation for no apparent reason other than to have a circular explosion when the computer plane decides to blow it up.

A side story sees the woman survive a several hundred foot drop into North Korea with just a few cuts and scratches after she ejects from her plane over North Korea. For a country used to war you'd think their pursuit dogs would be used to explosions. Alas it looks like the one dog sent to chase the woman down saw fit to bolt it as soon as the sound "boom" was heard. How lucky she must have felt to have seen that!

This was supposed to be one of the big summer blockbusters but without any big names to carry the movie it falls flat on its face. In hindsight seeing the film was directed by the guy who gave us such wonderful films as XXX (the original one) and Fast and Furious, I should have known better. Having it as the tagline on the movie poster should have sent alarm bells ringing but then it did have Jessica Biel in it and she was worth tolerating Trinity Blade for. Could it be any coincidence that in that film she was partnered by 2 guys and it bombed too?

Ah well.

Danish Bacon Breakfast Transformer

Another parody of the Citroen advertDanish Bacon Breakfast Transformer

Important Protest this Friday

Skeleton Key

Day 2 of the week off was almost identical to the first; a trip to the cinema then sitting in a bar working on ideas for the Japan trip.

Skeleton Key stars Kate Hudson (not Kate Winslet as I'd misread the poster) as a care assistant looking after John Hurt (not too taxing a role for him this time). She spends much of the night being scared whilst sleeping which leads her to explore the old man's house in her underwear.

There is also a lot of hoodoo voodoo (that you don't dare do people) nonsense as always happens in any film that's set in Louisiana that may or may not be important to the plot. You will find a new use for red brick dust if you watch this though. It would also appear that the League of Gentleman's Papa Lazarou has new kin in the form of Papa Justify, a minister who took the Hoodoo Voodoo to a new level! It was also nice that the executives didn't insist on Prodigy's "Voodoo People" be played on the soundtrack.

The film does have a twist and I hadn't figured it out when it was revealed, although I knew there had to be one. This alone makes it worth seeing.


As Parappa the Rapper (or should that be Papa Parappa the Rapper) said "You gotta believe"

The Devil's Rejects

First day of my week off and it was started with a trip to the cinema. Devil's Rejects is the follow up to Rob Zombie's "House of 1000 Corpses" and sees the family from the first film continuing their sadistic trail, this time on the road instead of in the house.

The film was actually pretty good, free from the constraints of the big corporate control. The story excels in showing how much of a family they all were, when not killing and torturing that is; the scene when they're playing with ice cream perhaps the best example of Serial Killers having feelings too.

It was also good to see Sheri Moon Zombie (her real name) again. I'd forgotten how hot she looked in the first film. Perfect casting as the temptress of the family and those shot gun blasted jeans she wears.........hubba hubba!!

Are they back?

In the 80s, the KLF were one of the biggest dance acts; they were also extremely strange art terrorists reportedly killing sheep on stage, setting fire to a million pounds and at their "Fuck the Millennium" gig spending the entire show riding around in electric wheelchairs dressed as old men and carrying dead swans. Very strange indeed. As it happens it was their last ever gig and I'm glad I went along.

Anyway, I found this on a discussion board and it looks like they might be making a comeback.

There is no time like the present. There is no present like the future. There is no future...

Dear oh dear

Better luck next time...

DVD Weekend

Knowing I would be quite the worst-for-wear on Saturday I had visited Blockbusters in advance and got out a ton of movies to keep me occupied.


Assault on Precinct 13 was a rather dull remake of one of my favourite John Carpenter movies. The replacing of the bad guys being gang members with cops diminished the film quite a lot. The original saw lots of gang members pouring through the doors and windows of the station for a good half an hour. The remake has cops as the bad guys and the siege involves swat teams and helicopter troops which takes the film to an over complex level. Also the humour seemed to be lacking this time round. Anyone that has seen the original will be disappointed to know the "one potato, two potato" scene isn't in this version.


Harold and Kumar get the Munchies is a renaming of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle needed in the UK because we don't have White Castle here. The film tries to take the drug humour of Cheech and Chong and mix it with Road Trip and whilst some of the jokes hit home, most don't. The funniest are so close to the politically correctness line and a few do cross it. Accurate Police sketches of the two guys being perhaps the joke that made me laugh the loudest. There are some hideous continuity errors though. A whole hang gliding scene seems to change from night to day in seconds.


The London Underground prides itself in only allowing stations and trains to be shown in a positive light, so I have no idea how Creep got the go-ahead. It tells the story of a woman who misses the last train home and is locked in the station with a weird guy called Craig who kills men and gives women abortions regardless of whether or not they're pregnant. It isn't very good to be honest and as someone who knows Charing Cross station quite well I can see the corners that have been cut to keep the story in some sort of coherent form.


Finally I saw The Machinist, one that I had wanted to see at the cinema but it didn't get a long enough run and I missed it. Christian Bale takes method acting to a whole new level as a guy who hasn't slept in over a year and is ridiculously gaunt. Strange things start to happen to him when he meets a guy called Ivan. The film is one of those films that has as twist but it's not a "lead you one way when it's actually the other" kind of twist but just an ending that explains what has been going on, and does it well. It is very well put together, if you liked Memento you'd probably enjoy this.

Not surprisingly, it's a fake

This pic has been doing the rounds for the last few weeks. Thanks to snopes.com it has now been shown to be a fake, although most of us had guessed that. If you're interested in urban legends then this is a great site to go to. They look like they've investigated pretty much all of them.

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Photo Gallery (Tube Stake)

I'm definitely no Kevin Bacon

Last night I was round the best mates for a dinner with friends. The food was really nice and we got through quite a significant amount of red wine. In fact it wasn't until 5am that I left and to make the walk home easier I popped on the iPod.

The next half an hour saw me walking home, whilst dancing simultaneously in a very bad Footloose manner. I let the shuffle on the iPod determine the music which in turn dictated the way I'd be dancing. This included hands in the air raving, a little bit of headbanging and at one point I think I was dancing on garden walls. There was passing traffic, so if you were driving through Carshalton and saw me drunken dancing I apologise haha!!

Colour perception:

I've seen some of this before but the third illusion is very good.

eChalk colour perception: This is the most amazing optical effect in the world

Fantastic Four

Any excuse to put a picture of Jessica Alba onto my site I guess. This was a film I really wasn't too interested in seeing but I was in town and had some time to kill so popped in and saw it. Actually it wasn't too bad as comic book adaptations go; not as good as X-Men or Sin City but better than Elektra and Daredevil (could anything be worse).

The characters, although well known don't appear to be fleshed out enough in the film, which you wouldn't expect; Mr. Fantastic in particular comes off pretty weak in this. There are also some ridiculous plot holes and things that don't make much sense but you'd expect it with fodder like this I guess.

It's going to be one of those films that I'll forget about quite quickly I think.

The Wedding Crashers

Missed the train home so decided to take a lengthy detour to the cinema to see one of the films I had to catch up on. Wedding Crashers is not a bad film but Owen Wilson needs to move away from the "nice guy" roles as he's becoming a bit typecast. Once again he teams up with Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrel (albeit briefly). It's a predictable story about guys who play the field then fall in love then lose the women then reconcile as the end credits roll.

The film will stick in my mind for 2 reasons both of which are quote related.
The first is a term I will take to work to describe the sycophants that exist there.

"They're suckling at the power teat".

The second is much longer but nicely sums up dating

"I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair."

I'm such a cynic sometimes.

A guide to Italy

Quite amusing and some of it is very true, especially the crossing the road bit.

Guide to Italy

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Now I'm not a fan of Hollywood's latest fashion for remaking old and foreign movies. Has the planet really run out of fresh ideas? However if there's an exception it would have to be Tim Burton's reinterpretation of this film. I really enjoyed the original as a kid and it would be interesting to see what he would do with it.

He is one director that has an amazing sense of style in his films and this is no exception. The sets are stunning, my favourite being the squirrel room with it's blue and white spiral floor that looks like one of those vortex things you drop your money into outside charity shops.

The Oompa Loompas have had an overhaul, gone are the 30 or so face painted midgets. Now we have a single midget cloned by computer until there are hundreds of the critters. The original looked scarier but the new ones are a lot lot cooler.

The songs have changed too. Whilst the lyrics are the same Roald Dahl penned ones, the style varies between Soft Rock, 60s Hippy singing and a Caribbean style Mambo song amongst others. These are very funny.

The film seems to have a lot more darker side showing than the original. The characters look so perfect they're almost airbrushed. Anyone who's seen the video to Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun" will know what I'm on about; some of the close ups reminded me of that. Johnny Depp plays an excellent Willy Wonka, slightly schizo but affable.

Burton also goes a little further with the story this time, giving us some background into why Willy Wonka is so reclusive and also bringing his Father into the story.

It's definitely worth seeing if only for the visuals they really work on a big screen. Even more so if you can get yourself to a cinema that has a digital projector. Whilst not as good as with the Pixar films the resolution is still pin sharp. Oh, and if you can get yourself to the West End I think they're pumping chocolate scents into the air conditioner; either that or someone brought very over powering chocolate to the movie.

Tune!!

Euphoria is a music compilation that started out containing the best trance tunes out there. Over time it's had several offshots such as an Old Skool, Chillout mixes and quite a lot of Hard House. I've been an avid collector of these compilations going so far as to locate the Ireland only and Canada only editions.

Last year the record label went into liquidation and the brand was picked up by Ministry of Sound, one of the most commercial labels in the world. The future of Euphoria didn't look too good.

This week the latest edition came out "Judgement Euphoria" and it's a corker. On the Judge Jules mix there's is an absolutely superb
track called "Without You" by Dogzilla. I've been looping that track all evening but I don't think i has been released as a single yet. If I see it I'm buying it.
dancelabel.com >> euphoria >> albums

Another attempt to get fit

Well after a lot of faffing over the last few weeks I have finally decided to go running in the local park. It was a really piss poor effort with me running 100 metres then walking 100 metres then running again but it gives me something to build upon. The aim is to get the evening routine in place and then go for a run in the morning too.

A new flatmate

Yesterday I was at my best mate's place for a barbecue. It rained a little but that failed to stop us all from having a good evening. As a flat-warming present she bought me a bonsai tree, the rationale being that if I can take care of that then a woman should be no problem at all.

So at the end of the night I'm quite drunk but not as bad as I have been in the past but it was still quite odd walking home balancing a bonsai tree in one hand. I'm not sure what people who drove past would have made of it (Hey it's a drunk guy with a tree). I'm glad the police didn't stop me or else the conversation might have gone something like this.

Cop: Is that your bonsai Sir?
Me : Yes, honest guvnor (because that's how we talk in London)
Cop: I think you stole that tree.
Me : I didn't steal it, it's a plant.
Cop: I'm arresting you on suspicion of using a bad pun.

Both I and the tree made it home safe and sound. The plant now has it's home beside my bed and is being well looked after. This weekend I'll go out and find the nutrients it needs; until then it'll have to make do with water.

Have I given it a name? Nah, it's just a plant.

Ragdoll 2

Looks like somebody has adapted the ragdoll physic thing I posted some time back

Celebrities & celebs

I'm back!!!

I had a great time in Hungary, Austria and Italy.
My pics can now be found using the link on the left.

In one month's time I'll be in Japan for the next trip. I can't wait.

Enjoy them.

Holiday!!!

Tomorrow I'm off on another coaster trip, this time to Hungary, Austria and Italy. I've not been to any of these countries so am quite excited.

As well as the parks we'll be taking in Budapest, Vienna, Florence and Pisa, so there is some sightseeing opportunities on this trip, which makes it better than a lot of the trips that are just park park park park park all the time, which can become a bit too much after a while.

I think the high point, literally, will be a ride on the longest coaster in the world; 3.5K down the side of a mountain.

I'll be back with lots of pics and reports in a little over a week.

Just pissing about with photoshop

Red Bull Messed Me Up

Last night I was working overnight and left for home at 8am.
It passed itself off with no major issues, other than me getting lost in the midst of some new code I'm helping develop. Says a lot for my technical development, or lack of it perhaps.

The problem I'm having is that I had 4 cans of red bull to keep me going through the night. Usually this isn't a problem. The second I sit on the train I usually fall asleep until I get home at which point I fall asleep pretty much immediately. However today I couldn't fall asleep. I was wanting to yawn on the train but whilst my body wanted to, my muscles wouldn't let me and I was left with a feeble attempt that actually hurt. When I got home I couldn't fall asleep. I've never had a reaction like this before.

It's now midnight and I'm going to force myself to go to bed, I've now been up for 40 hours and I could quite easily stay up longer.

London is at a standstill.

Had a very strange journey into work today; trains were late and as I left the station they closed it. Fire engines and ambulances could be heard all over the place. Only when I got into work did I find out there had been a series of explosions around the city.

Well I'm OK, but I have no idea how I'm going to get home. Hopefully the transport network will be restored. At the moment, the underground and the buses have been stopped.

The news is saying that it's some sort of terrorist attack, Al Qaeda has been mentioned but not confirmed. The emergency plans seem to have been put in place very well and everything is being dealt with.

Mobile networks have either gone down due to the volume of calls and texts, or been brought brought down as part of the emergency plans.

War of the Worlds

I was really in two minds whether to see this or not. I've not been a big fan of Spielberg since Schlinder's List, ever since then he seems to want to clutch at our heart strings all the time, which I'm not interested in. I haven't been a big fan of Tom Cruise, especially with all the publicity games he's playing at the moment and so I expected this to be over schmaltzy and sentimental.

But I came away pleasantly surprised, the effects were very impressive and the story was "quite" faithful to the original. I did make the following observations.

Tom Cruise and kids managed to escape when others couldn't, examples being him running from the first alien, having the only car that worked, managing to get on the ferry, escaping from the aliens in the fields etc etc. The coincidence was just too great.

Could a single line of soldiers really keep hundreds of people from getting onto the ferry, even if those people were pushing for their lives?

Why didn't the alien at the end sneeze.

And what was the ending about; it has to go down as one of the worst in cinema history.

As I said earlier I did expect the film to suck, so came away pleasantly surprised.

Google Earth - Home

If you thought Google maps were good and got very excited at the satellite imagery they then added, you're going to be very very excited when you see what they're up to next.

Google Earth - Home

Oh and if you can't download the exe you can now

Who once said?

"Some people join bands for all the wrong reasons. You don't join a band to save the world, you join a band to save your own ass"

Apparently if you read the book that accompanies "Rattle and Hum" the answer is Bono.

A funny thing happened...

I was out taking a walk in the local park today when I saw this. I'm glad I had my camera with me.

Actually I found it on another discussion board and it made me laugh so much I had to post it.

The Essential Mix

Every Saturday morning Radio1 broadcasts a live mix they call "The Essential Mix". All the top DJs have been on this show at some time.

Well on a discussion board I'm part of someone posted a link to a website that contains a stream of every Essential Mix ever broadcast, and with a little technical jiggerypokery you can get them into a form that lets you put them onto your iPod.

Considering the show has been running since 1993, that's a lot of really good music, for free; just don't tell everyone about it haha!

Mixes

Complaint from seat 29E

Poor chap!

Complaint from seat 29E

Live-8

To all those "pop stars" who took the time out to play their slots today, when you return to your million pound hotels or upmarket hotel suites tonight I hope you sleep well knowing that your album sales are likely to see a slight increase on Monday.

To those of you who haven't had a TV appearance since the last Live Aid, I hope you wake up on Monday morning with invitiations to daytime TV shows and interviews with the press that could mean your career gets the restart you've tried so long trying to achieve.

To Elton John, I hope you continue to spend a small fortune on ornaments and flowers at your home, money that if you genuinely cared could be given to the kids you want us to worry about.

To Bono, thanks for making it clear there are people out there doing what they can to survive whatever the cost. Just remember you're back in court on Monday fighting over who owns a hat and jacket you once wore. I'm sure you'll win, after all the woman isn't anyone important and you're bound to have paid a significant amount in legal fees to make sure you win.

To those bands reforming for one day, if you were passionate about your past you wouldn't need to wait for events like this to get back together. May it trigger more sales of your greatest hits albums that have probably been flatlining for the last few years.

To the Spice Girls, thanks for doing something right for once.

To Sir Bob, May today's venture give you another knighthood. After all you did get to kneel before the queen for the last Live Aid concert, a gig that brought the plight of Africa to the world's attention but did nothing about it. After all if your masterplan had been successful then you wouldn't have needed today's gig, right! So in fact you've been given a knighthood for nothing more than shouting in front of cameras and for doing the same this time you should be commended in the same way.

To the people who marched through Edinburgh, this is how a protest should be done and I applaud your efforts. I only hope the pop stars don't take the media attention away from what you did today. A quarter of a million people making a peaceful protest is something to be proud of.

To Tony Blair and the other members attending the G8, just do the right thing for once.

Sensation - The World's Leading Dance Event

Sensation is the biggest dance event in Holland that takes place over 2 weekends and has two themes. The first is "white" and everybody has to wear white. The second is called "black" and yep, you've guessed it; everyone wears black. 40,000 people dressed alike must look very strange but would help with the unity vibe that these events have.

I saw the trailer to last year's event and loved the concept and if I'd realised it was this weekend I'd have gone. Tonight is "white", "black" is next weekend.

Sensation - The World's Leading Dance Event

Optical Illusions and Visual Phenomena

Some of this stuff is very strange...Optical Illusions and Visual Phenomena

King Kong Trailer

The big ape has been underwraps............until now.King Kong

Trailer looks like it could beat Jurassic Park when it comes to dinosaurs too. A shame we still have 6 months to wait though.

Ragdoll physics

keep on falling

Free Booze

What's the best thing that happens when a Senior Manager leaves work?
He has to open a tab at the bar at his leaving drinks.

Now the plan was to only go for one but I had nothing else planned that night and well, why not take advantage of this.

So countless jack daniels and cokes later, it's closing time and I've made myself known to a few more people at work. I'll find out on Monday if it was in a bad light, but I'm sure it won't be.

Anyway I fell asleep on the tube but was able to get a bus from the last stop, after a drunken visit to KFC for a butchered chicken in a bun covered in MSG based sauces. I managed to spook a drunken couple on the walk from the bus stop. I think the guy had pulled and she was unsure about going in for "coffee", but then getting home would have been a problem for her so late at night.

I woke up this morning with the worst sore throat I've ever had. I'm putting that down to walking around with no jacket but that's what I get for staying out later than envisaged.

Needless to say today will be a very "gentle" day.

You're a jerk!

Poor Tom Cruise, he drops his Mr. Nice demeanour for one moment and then people take the piss.

You're a jerk

Kung Fu Hustle

This film is a lot of fun. I really didn't like Shaolin Soccer but this time round it looks likes Stephen Chow has been given a decent budget with which to make a film. The story sees a war between the residents of Pig Sty Alley and The Axe Gang get into a mass ruck. The effects are great, the story is silly but enjoyable and the martial arts are great too. Definitely a film worth watching and if you shop at playusa.com you can already buy it.

I thought the guy who played the Beast was Bolo Yeung from that Van Damme Classic "Blood Sport" but apparently it was wrong.

Still it's a fun movie, which isn't up its own arse a la Matrix and is fun to watch.

Not as annoying as Crazy Frog

Two of the most annoying commercials get an overhaul and become better as a result.

Link 1
Link 2

The final countdown

A sad bit of news for those of us whose student lives were spent watching the showPresenter Richard Whiteley dies. Richard had an atrocious knack for puns and wordplay, hopefully mine isn't in too bad taste.

When work is getting to you

Whack your boss like the Sopranos.

Is it the heat or my weight?

Was walking home tonight and found myself sinking into the pavement.
I'm hoping it is the heat or else I'm off to weight watchers...

How good is Reading?

It's crap!

I've just spent the last 3 days there on an Oracle Course learning how to improve database querying, which given the fact I've been trying to get on this course for 2 years turned out to be pretty good; but the city itself, is awful.

The hotel was a travellodge, a chain that is usually OK but not here. It was in the grimiest part of town surrounded by main roads and motorways. We were recommended by the staff not to park our car outside as it would get broken into and so had to find somewhere safer to park it.

There was no air con in the rooms and the windows barely opened, and given the heat wave it proved very difficult to sleep and when you did finally drop off you'd be awoken by a random crime event outside. On Sunday night it was someone running from an attempted stabbing, on Monday it was some middle eastern guys fighting and last night it was a car crash, or at least it's what it sounded like. The rooms only had 4 channels, not even channel 5. The chain usually has Sky as standard.

The main hub of nightlife seems to be a little development called The Oracle comprising of a shopping centre, a cinema and plenty of bars and restaurants around a river that we thought was man-made but actually isn't. The average price for drinks there was £3 each, daylight robbery in London, even worse there.

One of the nights got quite messy as we drank loads ending up in a really cool bar called "Purple Turtle", it was a goth, indy crowd but the drinks were half the price of those by the river and the vibe was nicer. It's the only place I can really recommend going to should you ever find yourself there.

Why are old people so nuts?

Today in Croydon I was just walking along minding my own business when this old man who was walking towards me swung his umbrella at me. He didn't hit me but it was close enough to get my attention. Given that today was the hottest day of the year, I don't know why he needed to carry one. As he passed by I turned round to warn him to be careful but before I could say anything he was doing the exact same thing to a guy on a bike.

Nutter, should be in a home!

Batman Begins

This is really really really good. It's much darker and less hammy than the previous movies and it restores the character back to greatness after Clooney killed it (or was it Kilmer). Christian Bale is surprisingly good as the lead. The only bad things with the film is that the fighting is shot too close to be able to follow and the baddies aren't as solidly defined as, say Nicholson's Joker and let's face it, how could that be bettered? Katie Holmes plays a really good Mary Jane which given that this is Batman, not Spiderman is a bit of a shame. Her role is very similar to Kirtsen Dunst.

I really liked what Christopher Nolan did with Memento and he's done a good job directing this.

There was also a killer bit of bass when the batmobile started up that vibrated the seat :D Oh, and watch for the continuity mistakes when he's driving that. One shot he's sat up, then he's lying down, then he's back.

The Pacifier

Did you really think I'd see this piece of shit? How did Vin Diesel expect to be taken seriously following this movie? In the UK a pacifier is called a dummy which is also the word given to someone who's a bit thick. Enough said.

What has happened to Pearl and Dean

Those of you who regularly go to the cinema will know who Pearl and Dean are. They're the company responsible for the adverts before the film starts with that Led Zeppelin type jingle. When I was seeing Batman Begins today the music had changed and a guy then dances in front of the logo whilst crossing from one side of the cinema to the other. I then cuts to an advert for Smirnoff where we see him close up. This guy is Salah who I've seen at the B-Boy championships on a couple of occasions; he is an amazing dancer and it's great to see him get acknowledged like this. If you want to know more about the promotion you can click here

A heavy session

Last night I was at a quiz night for work. Historically my team has done pretty well but more worringly I always seem to get very drunk at them. This time I promised myself I'd have no more than 1 bottle of wine.

After the 3rd round of 10 the first bottle was completed and a second bottle had been bought.

By the end of round 10 I think 4 bottles had been gone through (not all mine I might add) and there was still money in the kitty for more.

At closing time I can't recollect how much I'd drunk but somehow managed to get myself to the train station.

When I woke up I was outside the final underground station, a bit worringly given that I'd intended to catch a train, but at least I'd gone in the right direction. I managed to get some cash for a taxi to take me home the remainder of the way.

When I woke up (properly this time) the flat was smelling of kebab that I don't recall buying and which clearly I hadn't eaten.

I would have liked a lie-in to recover but I had to be at work early. Needless to say I was very delicate at work and just kept my head down. Fortunately my team mates were in a similar state.

My workmates were also surprised that I'd shaved, apparently we'd made a bet to all grow goatees. The things that drunk people do, and being a man of my word I now have to see it through.

Oh, and by the way, our team came 2nd.

Late home and a confrontation

I left work in good time today but when I got to the station I found that my train had been delayed and the next one was going to skip my stop which isn't great when it means I'm having to wait around for an hour. When one did come in it was an additional 40 minutes late so I was quite stressed at having to wait so long in what is a busy station.

I thought I'd go and see if there was a magazine I could read to pass the time and went into the shop and straight over to the computer magazines, however on the way was this guy moving extremely slowly.

Now for people who are use to the hectic pace that London runs at, and who know where they're going, there is nothing worse than having people in the way who seem to lack the ability to know where they're going and how to get there; they just seem to float. These include tourists standing on the left of the escalator, people who don't let you off trains and people who stop once they've got off the escalator.

So I wanted to get past this guy and he didn't seem to want me to do so, which left me with the only option but to try to walk through him. He was clearly not happy with me doing so, and for someone who was moving at funeral pace, he suddenly burst into life and shoved me out of the way, straight into some woman nearby.

I found the situation quite funny and whilst the woman had a go at me for pushing into her, she didn't take my explanation that I was pushed by someone else very well. The guy was now shouting "Why were you in my way?", to which I replied "It wasn't my intention". I think this confused him enough for me to move on to where I was going.

In a working day that is typically routine and boring, little things like this, no matter how stressful at the time are a nice distraction. Fortunately he wasn't too psycho although he did act it.

Thorpe Park and Chessington

Another club trip this weekend to two local parks.

Pictures are on the "My Pictures" link on the left or you can click
here

Mr & Mrs Smith

Well after my previous post commenting on the poster censoring, I got the opportunity to see the film, and I was surprised.
Like Ocean's 11 & 12 I thought the film would rely on the looks of the leads, this time Brad "looks like a monkey" Pitt and officially the most beautiful woman in the world, Angelina Jolie, but the story was funny and the action sequences very good.

Angelina looked hot as ever although bondage gear really doesn't suit her, she looked ridiculous.

Oh, and the plot? they're husband and wife, going through a dull patch when they discover that they're both top assassins sent to kill each other. Their domestics involve shotguns and SMGs, nicely over the top. Perhaps the best scene is when they're starting to reveal their secrets whilst being pursued in a very crazy car chase.

Definitely worth seeing.

Family Fortunes

We have a dumb quiz show in the UK called Family Fortunes, in the US I think it's Family Feud. Here's some stupid responses to questions that have been given by the rather thick contestants.


Name an item of clothing people wear two of at the same time
A bra

Name a type of big cat
Persian

Name something with a hole in it
A window

Name something you might take from a hotel as a souvenir
The lamps

Name something you eat with fish
A plate

Name an animal that lives wild in Britain
A lion

Not including cutlery, name a type of fork
Banana

Name something a blind person might use
A sword

Name a song with moon in the title
Blue Suede Moon

Name a bird with a long neck
Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch
A burglar

Name a famous brother and sister
Bonnie and Clyde

Name a dangerous race
The Arabs

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse

Name something that floats in the bath
Water

Name something you wear on the beach
A deckchair

Name something red
A cardigan

Name a famous cowboy
Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal
Mail

Name a number you have to memorise
7

Name something you do before going to bed
Sleep

Name something you put on walls
Roofs

Name something in the garden that's green
A shed

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings

Name something you might be allergic to
Skiing

Name a famous bridge
Bridge over troubled water

Name something a cat does
Goes to the toilet

Name something you do in the bathroom
Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A dog

Name something associated with the police
Pigs

Name a sign of the zodiac
April

Name something slippery
A conman

Name a kind of ache
Fillet o' Fish

Name a food that can be brown or white
Potato

Name a jacket potato topping
Jam

Name a famous Scotsman
Jock

Name another famous Scotsman
Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it
A window

Name a non-living object with legs
A plant

Name a domestic animal
Leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
Knee

Name a way of cooking fish
Cod

Name something you open other than a door
Your bowels

Name a famous soap opera
Romeo and Juliet

Name one of Harry Enfield's characters
Sooty

Name something with a red light
A Dalek

Name a bird that can also be a man's name
Chicken

Name one of the Spice Girls
The one with the long hair

Jimmy Carr Gags

Got sent these at work today and they made me laugh so I thought I'd share them.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child .... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

RIP Boots

Today I had to say goodbye to my boots that have been part of me since Christmas, not that long really. At the end of last week I managed to trip walking up the stairs into work and as I was putting my headphones away I couldn't break my fall and promptly executed a perfect faceplant; Bam Margera would be proud. In hindsight I should have checked to se if it had been caught on security tape, I could have made money out of it.

Getting back to the story, it turns out that the boot had split across the sole, whether it was the cause of the fall or the result of it I don't know but after that incident their days were numbered but rather than getting new boots I left it.

Today on the way home I caught a kerb and totally ripped into the front of the boot seperating the sole from the rest of the boot, so I had to make the journey home with the front of the boot flopping about like a leather crocodile. It was a bit embarrassing to see homeless people with better footwear than me on the way home, at least they weren't going to mug me for my footwear.

I also left work late and all the decent shops were closed. I ended up having to go to a supermarket and buy a pair from there, not ideal but they'll do until a new pair are bought. That will teach me for not me a little more pro-active.

GTA Lego City

Someone has too much time on their hands. Click here

Mr & Mrs Smith and a possible coverup.

Mr and Mrs Smith is out this Friday and I will definitely be going to see it. Whilst at the cinema on Saturday I noticed that something was up with the posters. Looks like photoshop has been used to remove the guns. I'm guessing it's bad to promote the killing aspect too much. Another example of political correctness gone too far perhaps. Here is the evidence.





This is the poster with Angelina and Brad sans firearms.


This is Brad without his gun, if it has been photoshopped they've done a good job.


This is Angelina without hers, the easiest cover up of the two.

Of course I'm assuming that the top picture is the original. It could be that the guns were added later, but then the picture wouldn't have fitted the film as it is about hitmen (or should that be hitperson given that one of them is a woman, looks like PC has got me too).

You wouldn't want to play poker with her

I'm hoping there's no medical reason for this happening

Poker Face

Unholy matrimony

When I was at university I wrote a paper on morphing techniques in the movie industry. This website uses the most basic form of that technology to put two celebrities together to see what their kids might look like. It's quite a fun quiz, try it!

Unholy matrimony

Rubber Johnny

3 weeks til we see the latest fucked-up video from Chris Cunningham. If you've ever seen Aphex Twin's "Windowlicker" or "Come to Daddy" you know what this guy is capable of. Click here to see the trailer site.

Crazy HL2 Render

Some guy with a lot of time on his hands has managed to mix 3D models from Half Life 2 with real pictures. The results look amazing and now I have a new wallpaper on my PC.

League of Gentlemen Apocalypse

Hmmm, what a weird film this was. Having never really understood the show I was completely out of my element. So why see it? Friends at work, who love the show, recommended it and so whilst I didn't really understand what was going on, I persevered with it and whilst not great it wasn't completely bad.

The story is that the residents of Royston Vasey, where the TV show is set, find their village being destroyed because the show writers aren't producing any more material. So they find a way into the real world to confront the writers who are busy writing new material for a new series called Evil King. So they also write themselves into that story to bring it to an end. All very weird indeed.

I knew the show was surreal but where did they come up with the idea of extracting a semen sample from a giraffe using an electric anal probe and having it ejaculate over a crowd of old women. Very weird indeed. The film also has some peculiar cameos e.g. Simon Pegg's arse as a message holder.

There were people in the cinema laughing extremely hard, I wasn't one of them. Perhaps I should borrow the series boxsets off workmates to see if it is good or not.

Sin City

Wow, how good is this film.

Trying to get the look and feel of a comic book has been attempted over the years and the best had been Dick Tracy but now this film just pisses all over that. Using blue screen filming and a lot of digital effects, Robert Rodriguez has finally managed to get the comic look on the big screen. Some effects particular the weather effects are stunning and really add to the effect.

The film contains 4 stories from the Sin City books, 3 major ones and a minor story to open and close the film. Bruce Willis does well as Hartigan, an old cop in love with a young woman he rescued from a sex attack when she was younger. Clive Owen also plays a decent part as a guy who inadverantly kills a cop. But it's Mickey Rourke who steals the show as Marv, a thug looking for the killer of a woman he fell for. Like Travolta in Pulp Fiction, this film should relaunch his career. Elijah Wood also has a great part as a weird serial killer with a knack for ninja like stealthy martial arts. Devon Aoki is also great as Miho, an Oriental assassin. Jessica Alba looks great as Nancy too :D

The film is really violent but over the top in a comic book style. Lots of hacked limbs, particularly from Devon, and sprayings of blood (white not red to fit the look of the film); Elijah's character also comes to a rather untimely end. Not one to take your girlfriend to unless that's her thing :D

Best film of the year so far, until I get to see Hong Kong Hustle, which is out at the end of the month haha!

Non Hollywood Weekend

Used the bank holiday to catch up on some films that I had missed at the cinema and all of them are American made but not Hollywood fayre.


The Woodsman
Kevin Bacon shows how great his acting has become in this movie which given its subject matter is unlikely to get the recognition it deserves. A brave move for all those involved in it.

Kevin plays a convicted paedophile, released after an 8-year sentence, and trying his best to get back to normal life; not easy when he's located opposite a school. The film is disturbing but not graphic, it's all the ideas of what might happen that makes you feel the way you do. A key scene with a young girl that the guy befriends is particularly depressing.

One to watch if you're up for something off the normal Hollywood path of movie making.



Sideways
An independant movie about 2 guys spending a week in the wine growing area of California; one guy is still hanging onto a past relationship, the other is about to get married and wants to have a final fling before he ties the knot. Whilst they're out enjoying the wine they meet a couple of women and attempt to befriend them. I think the film was originally a play as the film surrounds the 4 characters, exactly like "Closer" and has great dialogue between them, which you don't usually get with Hollywood fodder.

Another good movie which anyone can watch.


Garden State
The final film was perhaps the best of the 3 even though the story isn't all there. Written and directed by that kid from Scrubs, whose name escapes me, the film tells the story of a guy who returns home to New Jersey from a celebrity life in L.A. for the funeral of his mother. Whilst there he comes across a girl, played superbly by Natalie Portman, and they hit it off.

Featuring some slightly surreal scenes and odd characters, the film is just a great written piece of cinema and unlike Star Wars shows what Natalie Portman is capable of if given the proper material

Given up on it already

Stopped watching Big Brother after one day.
The "personalities" (used in the loosest sense of the word) are dull, very dull.

Unfortunately this show gets so much coverage I'm not going to be able to avoid it, even if I want to.

They're in...

Big Brother 6 is officially underway with the 13 housemates now introduced. Here's my thoughts on each.

Derek
Gay black posh tory; quite a strange combination. He's also the oldest housemate at 40 and whilst not the most annoying he's not going to win. Being a fox hunt leader isn't going to endear him to anyone.

Lesley
Came dressed in a PVC nurses uniform and not much else judging by her embarrassment as she made her way up the stairs. Seems to be very superficial, comparing herself to the other women in the house. Too shallow to win.

Sam
Sex mad Oxford student who apparently would have taken a vibrator into the house but broke it. She's quite hot and is already getting the attention of the males. Too pretty to win I think though. The hottest of all the women IMO.

Maxwell
The North London Geezer who seems to be sure enough of himself withough being arrogant. Looks like being quite a laugh. Not sure who'll vote for him though.

Vanessa
Calls herself a two-faced bitch. I think this is the one who's character will develop over time. She seemed to be too reserved at the moment.

Anthony
Instantly despised by the crowd by his posing. Has the looks to please the women but is way too smug. Early departure for him I think.

Roberto
Stereotypical Italian who is going to remain in the house for a long time on the strength of his looks alone.

Makosi
Nubian Princess who has way too high opinion of herself but doesn't seem to be fully with it and is a little bit dense, at least based on her first chat with Big Brother.

Craig
Here's the complete arrogant knob although his persona in the house is much quieter than his interviews.

Mary
The total wildcard. A white witch who believes she has been abducted 7 times. Made her entrance looking like she'd strayed off the Lord of the Rings set. One of 2 people that I think will attempt to escape.

Science
And here's the other escapee. A rapper, poet with a lot to say. I don't think the house is going to be challenging enough for him. Seems similar to Victor from last year.

Saskia
Very endowed women, looks quite pretty but aspires to be a footballer's wife which has put me off her already.

Kemal
This year's Marco. A way too camp cross dressing gay. Will probably do quite well as a result.

First challenge has already been set. As the unlucky 13th contestant Makosi has to get more votes for the first week nominations if she is to avoid eviction. This means she has to be nasty to them. However she didn't really understand what was being asked of her so I think this challenge won't work and hopefully they'll get rid of her.

Freeview has a new channel, or two.

Today is the first night of Big Brother 5. To coincide with that show the powers that be have put E4 onto Freeview. This means I'll get to see shows like 6ft Under and Bo' Selecta before they appear on channel 4. Sweet!

Whilst searching for new channels it also picked up Men and Motors. The launch of this one has been kept quieter perhaps because of it's content haha!

Phew, what a scorcher!

Today has been the most glorious day and according to the news the hottest day in May for 50 years. Why do people collect such stats I wonder?

Anyway I've had a shit week at work so what better excuse to leave early than to get out to enjoy this. Apparently it's only supposed to last til Sunday. At least I won't be staying in this weekend.

Lego Star Wars - Completed

I just completed the game today, only had it over a week but it is so easy to play that I've been on it non-stop.

Looks like they're going to make a sequel too. Cool!!!

Ripping into the Star Wars Fanboys

It's an old clip but still relevant given the release of Part III.

Click Here

Colonel Blimp

Colonel Blimp is a music video production company that has been responsible for some of the best videos in recent years with a heavy focus on British Acts. This website contains some full videos and some short clips that are worth watching.

Artists include
Goldie Lookin' Chain
Chemical Brothers
The Streets
Scissor Sisters
Dave Clarke (Looks very strange indeed)
Muse
Dirty Vegas (An absolutely superb video to "Days Go By")
Benny Benassi
Graffiti (A great track that should have got a lot more airplay)
Bjork
Fatboy Slim

For the more visually disturbing stuff take a look at Dominic Hailstone section. If Chris Cunningham needs replacing then this guy has to be in the running.

13, 13, 13, 13, 13, 13

Definitely an unlucky number for this poor chap.

Very funny commercial

Battle Royale

I love Battle Royale. If you've not seen the film I highly recommend it.

If it's so far passed you by here's a quite synopsis (ooh, he used a big word!!!)

Some time in the near future, schools have lost their discipline and kids are becoming unruly. So a law is passed to take a class of kids at random, put them on an island, each armed with a different weapon, and have them kill each other until only one survives. To make sure they play the game they're all fitted with explosive collars around the necks set to detonate if they stay in one place too long. If after 3 days more than 1 person survives all the collars are detonated.

The film is just superb, the idea is too far out to have been made by the west and I think it's still too radical to be played in America; if you're out there try to locate it. It's definitely worth it. There's a twisted sense of humour running through it e.g. with the weapons one kid gets an uzi whilst another has to make do with a saucepan lid. There is also a nice psychological side to it in that because the kids know they're going to die they all become a lot more honest and reveal their secrets to each other; crushes etc...

Over the last few weeks I've been locating the 15 Manga books adapted from the film. I have 12 and they've been great but I found out that the final 3 chapters are coming out in July, October and February next year. I've never had to wait so long for a book before (Harry Potter doesn't count as I'm not too bothered if I don't read it straight away). The manga is similar to tbe book but being typical manga contains a lot more sex and gore than the original. That aside the novels also give more of a background to each character and help to make the world more complete. Not all the deaths are the same so it's not just the same story presented differently.

Are all town centres the same?

One of the reasons for moving to where I have is that nearby in Sutton there is a really nice pedestrianised town centre. Last weekend I went to Croydon which is also close by and noticed a lot of similarities between the two so I'm wondering if every town centre is the same.

I've noticed that town centres all contain the following.

A chinese man who will make your name by bending metal into shape (do they exist in Greece or Sri Lanka where names are extrmemely long I wonder)
A group of South Americans who play pan pipes, probably to raise enough cash for the flight home.
A japanese man playing some oddly stringed instrument through a loud PA, usually surrounded by a crowd of people not really into the music but wondering how the hell the thing he's holding makes the sounds it does.
An old man who should know better trying to busk by singing old Big Band songs, admittedly better to sing "Mac the Knife" than be under it.
A congregation of young kids all smartly dressed, standing in a circle holding hands praising the Lord for giving them something better to do than sell drugs on a Saturday afternoon.
Market traders trying to compete for having the loudest and most unintelligible shouting. You'll hear the majority of what they're saying but you won't be able to make out the item they're trying to sell e.g. "Get you boorrers", "pound a berrwwwies for a pound"

Well people spotting offers a nice break from the humdrum of shopping.

Musical Baton

I spotted this on a friend's website and whilst it's supposed to be passed on it seems to be getting passed around through people picking it up. So here's mine.

This is an update to the pass-around-the-email surveys which have been doing the rounds over the last few years. This is more a pass-it-around-the-blogs type thing, meaning its actually much more useful and interesting because you can see what everybody else has answered.


Total volume of music files on my computer is…
A rather hefty 16 Gigs.

The last CD I bought was…
"50,000,000 Soulwax Fans Can't Be Wrong" by 2 Many DJs. At the moment I'm a big fan of bootlegs and mashups where you take the vocal from one track and the melody from another and put them together to make a new composition. There are some great albums and mixes out there at the moment and 2 Many DJs seem to come up with the most eclectic so far. I've not bought a CD for a while though, now that I have iTunes. If we're to count that then it's Goldie Lookin' Chain's Greatest Hits and I will say no more on that haha!!


Song playing right now…
A modern reworking by Glyn Barber of the music from "Rastan Saga", an 80s arcade game. A bit geeky but a really nice composition using a full orchestra.


Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me…

In no particular order, songs that mean a lot to me include:

1. Orbital - "Belfast". A truly stunning track that shows you can get emotion from electronic music. I read an article that says this music has been played at births, at weddings, and at funerals and when you listen to it you'll realise why. It's one of those tunes that gets played at Cafe del Mar as the sun sets and just looking around and seeing people smiling to it is a memory I'll keep forever. This is my all time favourite tune so appears top of the list.

2. Young Black Teenagers - "Tap The Bottle". When I was in my alternative clubbing phase this was one of those infectious hip hop tracks that everyone would just jump about to, but it wasn't mainstream like "Jump Around" or "Smells Like Teen Spirit". I also like the track because the lyrics are amusing (which I like in rap) and there is just a great vibe from it. We made this our anthem during that phase of my life.

3. Underworld - "Born Slippy". After my alternative clubbing phase I progressed onto more conventional clubs and was a regular at a small superclub in Angel called "Complex". At the time it used to have the best DJs such as Carl Cox and Danny Rampling but once a month Paul Oakenfold would play and it was during one of his sets that he dropped this and the whole place just went mad. Anyone who knows Oakenfold will know that he plays tracks way before they get released so this was being played before "Trainspotting" had been released (the film the track is associated with). Everyone in the club was completely Euphoric and I don't mean from drugs, the music was enough on its own. If you've ever had that completely high moment in a club you'll understand the feeling I'm trying to describe.

4. NWA - "100 Miles and Running". It was hard for me to pick between this and a Beastie Boys track. During the 80s, it was this genre of music that made me realise there was more to music than pop, which was getting all the airplay. I clearly remember hearing 2 Live Cru and NWA for the first time and I got totally caught up in the VW badge phase the Beasties were responsible for. Everyone remembers NWA for "Fuck tha Police" and "Straight Outa Compton" but I love this track instead for it's raw energy really comes across in the raps and production. The video was great too.

5. Andrew WK - "Party Hard". This guy was proclaimed as being the new driving resurgance of rock after the industry took a slump following the suicide of Kurt Cobain. A few years on and he's pretty much disappeared which is a shame because if he brought out more tracks like this then I for one would buy them. I completely missed his stuff when first released and am getting into it now. If you want a total party rock tune then try this.



Five people to whom I'm passing the baton…
As no one else is passing it about feel free to pick it up.

Where's Wally for Sadists

This guy clearly has too much time on his hands.

THE PICTURE OF EVERYTHING by Howard Hallis

Ong Bak

I hadn't been to the cinema for a while and it's been ages since I'd seen a foreign movie so I decided to go and see Ong-Bak, a Thai film that is doing the rounds at the mo and getting some great reviews.

Whilst the story isn't going to get any Oscars it does deserve something for it's action sequences; to say they're breathtaking would be an understatement, especially when you realise that no CGI or wirework was involved in the action sequences. Tony Jaa really does do double somersaults, dives head first through loops of barb wire and cartwheels between 2 sheets of glass (you have to see this last one, quite amazing).

People are claiming Tony Jaa is the new Jackie Chan but I disagree, sure he's nimble and a talented martial artist but he has no charisma. He looks like a frog and sounds like he's inhaled helium. I think the director realised his limitations and made sure his vocabulary was kept to a minimum.

I also feel sorry for the stunt men in this film, you can see them grimacing before they get kicked in the head/smashed through walls/bounced off tables. The brutal ones are shown from multi-angles too.

Definitely worth seeing

Pics are uploaded

I've gone for MSN spaces to hold my images, just because they have a nice slideshow feature.

The link is over on the left...

Holland Report

The weekend was great and whilst we weren't fortunate with the weather we were extremely lucky with the queues with just about every ride being a walk on. In fact the longest queue I recall was 10 minutes for Goliath.

Toverland was a nice surprise. It's one of those parks where kids and adults-who-act-like-kids can just muck about. Our first impressions were that we wouldn't be allowed to take part on the majority of it but we were. So we climbed to the top of everything, rode the longest metal slides I've ever seen (even better that they consisted of rollers all the way down from some great speed-sliding opportunity) . The other observation I had was that the UK HSE would have a fit if they saw some of the stuff this place had; 10 kids on the same trampoline, 5 year olds walking along an enclosed rope bridge a good 20 feet off the floor and a highrope assault course with no way of getting to anyone who got stuck along it. The kids were loving all of it and it just shows how much of a nanny state we've become here in the UK. The park has been so successful that it is due to get it's third extension soon. As well as the ERS on the booster bike we were also given a mini-ERS on the powered bob and access to a free bar. The bike ERS was going on for so long I think we could have easily tried having another 24 hour challenged on the ride. The ride itself is really nice but it does get a little uncomfortable in a certain area.

Day 2 took us to Efteling, and this park is huge and it is really easy to get lost in it, even with a paid for map so a big thanks to Bart, Peter and Co. for playing the role of park guide and taking a small group of us around the park. My favourite ride was the Bob, much more reckless than the bobsleigh ride I'm used to riding. Vogel Rock was really cool too as was "Dream Flight", however I was disappointed with Villa Volta which I'd been told was the best Madhouse ride anywhere. I don't think it was as good as Hex, although the music is impressive.
The majority of the group went out in the evening to enjoy Amsterdam, I chose to remain at the hotel but did get to hear stories involving string, men dressed as monkeys and bananas. I shall say no more!

Day 3 was the former Six Flags park now Walibi World Holland park. There were no signs of any Six Flags operations at this park, in fact those that had been to the park in it's former guise praised the park for the way it was being run now, so soon since the change of management. Personally I really liked the way the park was being run; we were given a really nice welcome and the 15 minute ERS on Goliath was extended to a good hour. The highlight for me was riding Goliath in the hailstones, definitely a nice way to exfoliate the skin, if perhaps a little too painful. If you review the overall ride experience then Goliath is far superior to Expedition G-Force even if it's not quite as good a ride. Their new water ride is a lot of fun, extremely wet though and ponchos were given out free to protect everyone taking part (would Six Flags have done that?). Superman is now called Express and is running really well, the SLC was a little rough but still OK, the bad egg is the Boomerang but you know what you're getting with one of those; concussion through the loop in both directions. Robin Hood is perhaps the most comfortable car I've ever ridden in, it's just like sitting on a sofa. This park also had the craziest park mascot I've ever seen. He seemed to be a drunken blue elephant, at least he appeared to be drunk the way he'd stumble towards crowds of people without falling over.

That evening a small group of us went to visit Euromast which had been the tallest structure in Rotterdam but when the local hospital went taller the owners wanted the record back so they stuck another tower on top of the existing one. The structure now looks a little odd but it offers amazing views over the city (to the musical accompaniment of David Bowie singing "Ground control to major Tom"). We also came across a small fair which was on it's final night in the city so we rode a few of the rides there. A booster with 5G loops and strobe lights made this the best spin ride of the trip for me. We were very confused by the public transport system however, perhaps someone can explain why we needed to buy 3 strips for a 2-zone journey.

The final morning saw us visiting a small family run park called Drievliet which contained 4 coasters, 1 of which wasn't open as the finishing touches to it's construction were being made. They had a spinning coaster that was a little rough but still fun, a StarWorld type spinning coaster which had plenty of spinning going on and a mouse coaster. This was the best arranged ERS of the trip in that we were given the entire park for an hour before the public were let in. We only had a couple of hours at the park but it was still more than enough. The only bad point was that the bouncy castle was under inflated so those of us who ran into it promptly fell flat on our faces.

Some amazingly good news

Lenny Henry to quit sketch shows

Here's hoping more of his type follow his lead.

DVDs watched this Bank Holiday Weekend

Taxi
This was OK but I preferred the original. Who on earth thought casting Queen Latifah as a cycle courier would be a good idea?


Without a Paddle
Not bad, tries to be Road Trip but fails to be as funny. Who on earth thought casting Burt Reynolds as a wild hermit would be a good idea?


The Twins Effect
Quite good Hong Kong spin on the Blade movies. Who on earth thought casting Jackie Chan as a ambulance driver would be a good idea?


Shaolin Soccer
Truly appaling Kung Fu meets Football movie. Who on earth thought putting these two genres together would be a good idea?


Walking Tall
Surprisingly OK film starring The Rock as a ex soldier who returns to his home town and fights corruption in his hometown from some old friends. Who on earth thought a WWF/E wrestling star who became famous through being able to raise his eyebrow, could become a bonafide movie actor?


Spivs
Disappointing movie that is marketed to appeal to fans of Hustle but has very little to do with cons. Who on earth would have thought I'd have been stupid enough to fall for such a cynical marketing trick?

A very funny (but gross) J-Lo story.

I found this on popdoh and it made me laugh. Thought I'd share it with you.

"Remember a few years ago when Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were here shooting Project Greenlight?" (They had gone to Sundance to interview directors and writers and try and create a publicity stunt and an episode out of it.) "I was doing sound in the condo where they were both lodging and filming. At one point Ben took a break from shooting and disappeared upstairs to his bedroom. By mistake he left his wireless mic on."

"Jennifer Lopez was there with Ben, but was hiding out in his room the whole time. At first when I heard Ben kissing her hello, I immediately went to turn the volume down on my headphones. But then they started kissing loudly and making noises, and I felt so guilty, but I left the sound up, and heard Jennifer saying 'I love you baby, I love you... You wanna get busy, baby. You wanna get busy?'"

"Then I heard Ben reply, .'Are you sure you're feelin' better? I don't want you to shit on me again.'"

A strange Orbital coincidence

Orbital recorded a track with a voice over by Christopher Eccelstone.
Christopher Ecclestone is the current Dr. Who.
Orbital also re-recorded the Dr. Who theme tune.

Nightmare Journey Home

I had to go back up to the old flat today. The residents had complained about a hoover I'd left by the bins. When you're as old as they all are you have to complain about big issues like this. With the council refusing to pick it up, I had to get rid of it. Whilst I was up there I decided to pop in and say "hi" to Mum and Dad and watch Takeshi's Castle.

I left there at 18.30 to return home, a trip that should only take 2 hours.
When I got to Kennington the line was stopped due to a train further down breaking down. So I left the station and jumped on a bus to Streatham figuring that was on the way home.

I got to Streatham and headed the wrong way to the station, eventually realised and turned back. Got to the station to realise the train I wanted doesn't run the same on Sunday i.e. it doesn't stop there at all.

Got another bus back to Balham, which was on the mainline route home, but jumped off thinking I was there when I wasn't. I was at Tooting Bec, 1 stop down. Took the tube, which was now running again, back to Balham from where I got a train home.

Total journey time 3 and a half hours.

Streatham is not a place I want to be late at night, I'm usually quite street savvy but I was a little out of my depth there. If it wasn't for the fact I've chosen not to shave this holiday weekend, I may have looked good enough to mug. As I was I probably passed myself off as a homeless person and was left alone.